In a brief interview on Studio 10, I was asked to define my problem with alcohol. I explained that I was not suffering from serious addiction when I decided to quit, but that I was a grey area drinker. Most, if not all, of my clients fall into this category. I did not have time to expand in the interview, which led to many people reaching out to ask what it meant. In this post I will share what it means to me and how the experts define it more broadly.
My Story
I knew alcohol was bad for me for many, many years. In 2002, I wrote in my diary that I had to stop drinking. It caused me anxiety and depression, and created a sense of apathy in my life. In short, it made me feel like crap, often.
I wrote those words on and off for nearly 20 years. The language was harsh, sometimes hateful, always judgmental.
The Same Cycle, Over and Over
I did stop, on and off, during those years. Sometimes, because I had to, like during pregnancy. Other times, because I chose to. But every time, a few common thoughts kept coming up.
I saw it as a sacrifice. I felt I was missing out on something. I was angry and judgmental about my lack of discipline. I could not wait to drink again, and this time I would tell myself I would moderate. Despite experiencing all the benefits of not drinking, I would look forward to that first drink at the end of a quit period. I would moderate for a while, and then I would end up drinking as much as before, sometimes more. And every time the judgments would get harsher.
The Moment I Decided to Stop
When I finally decided to quit once and for all, I had pushed myself to the edge. During my dad’s illness, I allowed myself to free-fall. After a while of letting myself drink whenever I wanted, I noticed a dramatic increase in self-loathing and a fear that I had lost control. It had to stop.
During my drinking years I had done years of personal and professional development work, trained and worked as a life and mindset coach, counsellor, yoga teacher, and mindfulness instructor. I had launched and run a seven-figure business, got married, had two kids, sat in hours of meditation, and so on. There was just one problem. Despite all of this, I simply could not like who I was if I drank. So finally I decided it was time to like myself enough to stop.
I felt incongruent. I was destroying the chance of a great life, a life that the person I was trying to love deserved.
My decision to stop drinking eventually came down to a commitment I made to learning to like myself and my life enough that I did not default back into the resignation and apathy of regular drinking.
I was not an alcoholic, and honestly I do not even like using that word because it carries a meaning that does not fit most people who struggle with alcohol. But I do believe I was within the definition of addiction, which is doing something repeatedly and with compulsion, regardless of negative consequences.
What Is a Grey Area Drinker?
My clients, like me, fall into this category. Here is how I define it.
The Signs to Look Out For
Alcohol, and when, where, and how much you can drink, is a preoccupation. You know alcohol is holding you back from the person you want to be and are capable of being. You cannot work out why you keep doing it, even though you feel terrible afterwards and know it is bad for you.
You tell yourself you are not that bad, but your gut is telling you there is a problem here. You do not like yourself because you feel you are not living in alignment with your goals and values. While others around you seem to drink similar amounts, you feel it is too much for you. You have quit multiple times and keep going back. And very often you do not know who or what can help.
For me no set benchmark of alcohol intake makes someone a grey area drinker. It is simply a question of whether it is too much for you.
What the Experts Say
Grey area drinking expert Jolene Park describes it as the space between rock bottom and occasional drinking, an impossible space for many people to occupy. Most grey area drinkers do not need to go through a detox program to stop, and traditional support groups do not always resonate. But that does not mean there is no struggle. Many people spend years thinking about their drinking and wrestling with the internal conflict it creates.
That tension, the part of you that knows something needs to change but cannot quite commit to changing it, is at the heart of grey area drinking.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone and you are not weak. Understanding why quitting alcohol feels so hard in the first days is a good next step.
Where to Go From Here
My grey area drinking days are behind me now, and the time I no longer spend consuming, recovering, regretting, and ruminating about alcohol is time I am grateful for every single day.
If you are ready to explore what support looks like, you can find out more about one-to-one coaching and take the first step at your own pace.
