Back in January 2020, I was away on holiday with my family and some great friends. We were staying at an Airbnb on a small island close to the mainland of Australia. There were only a few shops and pubs, not much to do other than relax. Historically, my holidays had revolved around drinking. That was the entertainment.
While all the other adults popped corks and drank cold beers from noon, I made my best efforts to stay involved without a drink in my hand. I was three months alcohol-free at the time and, despite having my alcohol-free alternatives, I was not content. I felt like I was missing out. That feeling grew as the days went on until one day I could not take it anymore. Everyone around me was drinking, relaxed and seemingly carefree, and I was gritting my teeth on the edge of giving in.
I walked out the front door, found a seat in the garden, sat down, and cried.
I knew I did not want the life of a drinker. I knew that if I started again it would simply get worse. I also felt, somewhere beneath the sadness, that there was a bigger and better life ahead of me. But in that moment I was deeply, genuinely sad.
Thinking back, that moment changed everything that followed. That raw, fully conscious experience was the point at which I decided to let go of my attachment to a drinking life and everything it had meant to me. The good, the bad, and the very ugly. And I allowed myself to acknowledge what I was giving up and feel the loss of it.
The Good
Like anything in life, we must accept the consequences of our choices. As adults, our job is to be fully conscious of and responsible for all of it.
But while we all know alcohol is bad for us, it cannot be denied that it serves a purpose. It is there for the good times and the bad. It can bring laughter and connection. It does a genuine job at relieving pain and anxiety, at least in the short term. There is no point pretending otherwise.
So if we choose to drink, we must content ourselves with these short-term benefits and be honest about what they actually cost us. If we can live with the consequences without harming others, then perhaps we can accept our decision to be a drinker and everything that comes with it. The important part is that if we want to be at peace with our choice, we need to be honest about all of it. The good and the not so good.
The Bad
Any amount of alcohol we consume is negatively affecting our health and how long we live. That is simply the reality.
The Ugly
If we drink and choose to bury our heads in the sand, leaning on the excuses we have stacked up over the years, we are doing what appears on nearly every list of regrets from people at the end of their lives. Not living a life true to who we really are.
We use denial, avoidance, or suppression to manage the consequences, or worse, we spend hours beating ourselves up for it. We do not live with honesty or genuine agency. We are in a quiet battle with ourselves. And that is no way to live.
Conscious Responsibility
On that bench, I made a decision. I was scared to feel left out, to walk my own path, and to do the work that real change required. But I could not stay stuck anymore. And I knew that my being stuck was down to me. I had to take responsibility and choose.
I chose to walk away from alcohol.
I allowed myself to grieve its loss. To grieve the life that, at the time, seemed easier, more comfortable, and less confronting. I did it because taking full responsibility for my life felt better than staying in the battle.
Living as a non-drinker is hard at times. But for me, living as a drinker was much harder.
When it comes down to it, we must choose which hard we are willing to live with. And which choice we will look back on and be glad we made when our time eventually comes.
If you are sitting with this question yourself right now, understanding what it means to be a grey area drinker might help bring some clarity. And when you are ready to take a step forward, find out more about working with Sarah Connelly.
With respect, Sarah Connelly
