It Is What It Is? Facing Reality

“It Is What It Is”… and Why That’s Not a Cop-Out

Here’s a phrase that used to make me cringe:
“It is what it is.”

I used to hear it and think, What a lazy way to avoid responsibility. A resignation. A shrug. A surrender to helplessness.
And yes—it can be used that way. As an unthinking acceptance or avoidance of whatever ‘it’ is.

But without the filter of alcohol clouding my clarity, I’ve come to understand something deeper—and far more productive.

When we truly accept what is, we consciously and intentionally take (or don’t take) action.
Instead of passive acceptance, we build an active relationship with what is—and that is where the magic happens.
We respond to whatever is with honesty, clarity, and sharp awareness.

Instead of burning energy on wishing things were different, complaining, or denying reality, we begin using our power to respond—deliberately, wisely, compassionately.

What Acceptance Is Not

Let’s be extra clear:

Acceptance isn’t about passivity.
It’s not about being walked over.
It’s not about sitting still while life happens to you.

It’s about looking life in the eye and saying:

“Okay. This is what’s here. Now, how do I want to meet it?”

It’s the shift from reaction to response.
From unconscious patterning to conscious choice.

It’s not rolling over—it’s rising up to each reality, challenging or otherwise, and handling it in an intelligent, thoughtful, and often patient way.

I imagine many of you are good at this in the workplace.
When eyes are on us, and we have an image to uphold, we’re much better at handling realities.
We might whinge to our colleagues, but in the end we draw on our experience and critical thinking to intelligently deal with what is.

Unfortunately, we’re often not so skilled in our personal lives—and get stuck in denial, resistance, or passivity.

Why We Struggle to Accept What Is

• Facing reality is hard, and passive acceptance can feel safer. But it’s really a disguise for dishonesty with ourselves—excuses and justifications for not taking action.
• We’ve been taught that feeling bad means something is wrong, so we mask, avoid, and repress the hard truths.
• We think if we stop resisting, we’ll get stuck—in sadness, fear, or anxiety—forever.

But here’s what I’ve learned—through years of practice and many struggles with my own inner battles:

It’s not the emotion that holds us hostage. It’s our resistance to it.

When we passively say, “It is what it is” because we’re seeking an out—because we don’t want to face the truth—we often create a second layer of suffering.

Instead of processing the emotion that rises when we face a challenge, we shut it down.
The feeling doesn’t get a chance to move through us, so it gets stuck.

The first layer of suffering is seeing and knowing the truth.
The second is the deeper awareness that we’re avoiding it.

Imagine years and years of ignoring hard feelings—hard truths.
A lot of pain accumulates. And this often manifests as self-judgment and criticism… because deep down, we know we’re not taking control of our lives.

The Truth About Feeling

Every emotion is like a wave:
It rises.
It peaks.
It fades.

If we don’t feed it or fight it—it passes.
It always passes.

But most of us were never taught how to feel. Especially the uncomfortable stuff.
We numb it. Avoid it. Blame others.
Reach for wine. Or food. Or busyness.

And yet, the very thing we’re running from—a feeling in the body—is often nothing more than:

• a tight chest
• a flutter in the belly
• a lump in the throat

That’s what we’re so afraid of?

We’re conditioned to believe we should feel good all the time. But that’s not true.
Emotions are messengers—they won’t be ignored forever.

At some point, it is what it is.

Acceptance of What Is

For many of us, alcohol was a way to avoid feeling.

• Discomfort? Drink.
• Stress? Drink.
• Loneliness, anxiety, boredom? Drink.

Instead of being with what is (discomfort), we avoided it—and drank it down while saying,
“Oh well… it is what it is.”

When we remove alcohol, we’re left with life as it is: raw, real, unfiltered.

And that’s when the real work begins.

The work of learning to sit with ourselves.
The work of learning to say:
“This is hard. And I can handle it.”

Every time you choose to feel instead of flee, you strengthen your inner muscles.
You build emotional resilience.
And with that comes a quieter kind of confidence—because you’re no longer afraid of your feelings.

The Most Empowering Question

When it comes to alcohol, it’s easy to lean on passive acceptance and deny what it’s really doing to our bodies and minds.

But if you slow down and observe the pattern, you’ll notice:
You drink to change how you feel.
Whether it’s to feel more up, calmer, more confident… you want to avoid what is—and make it more or less intense.

What if you just felt what you feel? What if you allowed the moment to be as it is?

So here’s the shift:

Instead of using “It is what it is” passively—
e.g. “Everyone’s drinking, so I may as well…”

Ask:
“What is the most powerful way for me to respond in this situation?”

• Do I avoid my discomfort and down a glass of wine?
• Or do I feel it, and listen to the message?

Maybe the message is:
There’s something more.
You don’t have to conform.
You can choose what’s right for you.

Maybe it’s a moment of curiosity:
“Do I even enjoy this—or am I drinking to get through it?”

Try asking:

“Given that this is happening… how do I want to respond?”

That’s acceptance in action.
Not collapsing.
Not denying.
Not avoiding.

Consciously choosing.

Final Thought: The Gift of Reality

Reality can be a tough teacher, but it’s also a generous and fascinating one.
When we stop fighting it, we discover the lesson, the invitation, the best way forward.

So yes—life might be messy, unfair, overwhelming at times.

But it’s also beautiful, fleeting, and full of second chances.

And when we stop wasting energy on trying to avoid or deny what is…
We finally get to start living.

It is what it is.
Now, what will you do with it?