On Saturday morning, I headed down to my local coffee shop, looking forward to the cinnamon scroll I indulge in from time to time. While I was waiting, there was a tap on my shoulder. I had to do a double-take. It was an old friend I had not seen in a while. I barely recognised him.
His physique was strong, his eyes were clear, but more than anything, it was his energy. You could feel it standing next to him.
Two years ago, this was a man who drank heavily, smoked here and there, and was the classic work-hard, play-hard type. An investor for high-net-worth individuals, he was self-described as all or nothing. A high achiever with a perfectionist streak.
His Story
Back in 2023, he decided to experiment with stopping drinking. We chatted from time to time, he joined my online group for a while, and he stayed alcohol-free for about a year. He said he felt incredible. He took up spear fishing and deep-sea diving. He was inspired by life again.
Then one day he called me to say he felt ready to have the odd drink. Just a beer with the guys, or a wine with dinner. He had done so well and now felt like he was back in control.
This is the experience of almost everyone I have worked with who tries to return to drinking after a period of feeling good without it.
I wished I could tell him I believed it would work. I could not honestly say I did not have doubts either. So I simply shared the facts and what I knew about trying to find that middle ground. As we ended the call I said, I hope you can find it. If you do, please let me know.
He did not go looking for it.
When I spoke to him recently, he told me he was content, steady, and genuinely happy with his life. He is enthusiastic but not frantic. Measured at work and at home. Realistic about his goals. He said the transition was not easy, but the old life was much harder. And he now has complete clarity about his relationship with alcohol.
As a result of his example, a family member has started working on her own relationship with alcohol. And a fellow diver he introduced to the alcohol-free life told him he cannot believe the difference it has made to his health after just three months.
The All-or-Nothing Pattern
I also used to think of myself as all or nothing. If I could not do something perfectly, why do it at all? And both my friend and I certainly applied that mindset to drinking.
But all or nothing is a label that is often neither true nor helpful, especially on this journey.
Binge drinkers are a good example of this pattern. They can stay away from alcohol during the week but find themselves over-compensating from Thursday or Friday into the weekend. The result is a week of fog, regret, and gritting your teeth. Hours of mental energy spent on internal negotiations. And then Thursday arrives again, sometimes Wednesday, and you are so worn down by the whole thing that a drink feels like the only way to cope.
This is not control. This is not moderation. This is pain.
All in on weekends and trying to be all out during the week. And then the cycle starts earlier. The urge comes on Monday after a stressful day. The window where you can hold out gets shorter and shorter.
This is not a weakness. Alcohol is an addictive substance. The more you drink, the more you want to drink. The cycle tightens on its own.
How to Break It
I remember being in this battle very clearly. Fearful, attached, stuck with all the negative consequences while still holding onto the belief that alcohol was giving me something I needed.
But here is what my friend’s story shows. You can get out of it. His life is not perfect now. He still has problems and hard days. But he is healthy, content, and far better equipped to deal with whatever comes up. He is genuinely excited about the next few decades ahead of him. He did it.
You can too.
Not through willpower alone and not by going cold turkey overnight. Slowly, steadily, and with the right support. Without the labels of all or nothing, alcoholic, or I am different. That is how you escape the cycle. You discover that real relief, real relaxation, and real reward are waiting on the other side.
If you want to understand more about why this cycle is so hard to break, the science behind why quitting alcohol feels so hard explains what is happening in the brain. And if you are ready to take a supported break and see what life feels like without the cycle, find out more about working with Sarah Connelly.
With love, Sarah Connelly
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