Why You Know Better but Still Don’t Do Better: The Monkey and the Elephant Explained

Have you ever done something despite knowing it was bad for you? Ever watched yourself drink that extra glass, knowing deep down you don’t want or need it? Maybe you’ve found yourself snaffling down a burger when you really want to lose weight?

If you answered no, then you are one of the very rare few, who are completely in control of their elephant. If yes, then you’re a normal human being.

Personally, I suffered this predicament with my drinking for many years. I wanted to stop, but I didn’t, my actions did not align with my inner voice and as the incongruency increased, life became a lot less enjoyable.  I spent too much time fighting with myself, and less time being present for myself, friends and family. It was a baffling, and miserable time.

In this post I’ll share with you why this happens, thanks to a very simple explanation given in my course last week.

Why You Know Better but Still Don’t Do Better: The Monkey and the Elephant Explained

You know what you should do.

You’ve read the books. Watched the TED talks. Listened to the podcasts. You’ve told yourself a thousand times: This time, it’ll be different. Yet somehow, the same patterns keep playing out.
You still pick up the drink.
Still lose your temper.
Still reach for your phone instead of going to bed.
Still self-sabotage the thing you say you want most.

If this sounds familiar, and you can’t figure a way out of this exhausting cycle, let me introduce you to the two key players living inside your mind:

🐒 1. The Monkey (Your Conscious Mind)

The monkey is your conscious mind.  It receives information from the outside world through the five senses, and then it makes ‘sense’ of what comes in.

The monkey is fast-talking and loves a plan, it accepts or rejects ideas, sets goals and makes decisions. It analyses, reasons, motivates, and can dream big.

It can also be very loud.

This is the part of you that says:

• “I’m going to stop drinking this weekend.”
• “Tomorrow I’ll wake up early and work out.”
• “I just need more willpower.”

Sometimes, if the inner conflict has been going on for a while, the monkey gets frustrated and can start being a big mean  (this is the inner critic).

But here’s the important bit: the monkey isn’t in charge.

🐘 The Elephant (Your Unconscious Mind)

The elephant represents your unconscious mind. It is much larger, quieter, and infinitely more powerful.  It doesn’t respond to logic. It responds to emotion, repetition, and follows patterns, built from past experience.

The elephant is the driving force that:

• Directs you to wine/beer or whiskey when you’re stressed.
• Gets anxious and encourages you to drink before a social event
• Associates comfort, safety, or identity with certain behaviours—like drinking.

The elephant doesn’t care what the monkey thinks or says. It will go where it’s always gone, following deep, well-worn neural paths, often formed in childhood and reinforced over decades.

The monkey pulls at the elephant’s ears: “Turn left! Stop drinking! Start journaling! Go to the gym!”

And the elephant just keeps walking straight. Because that's the path it knows it can follow, and survive.  Unknown pathways represent danger to the elephant, so it will always do what it’s always done. 

Remember, the elephant is way stronger than the monkey.

🎭 The Human Predicament: Awareness Without Change

This is our inner conflict—the monkey pulls one way, the elephant lumbers another— It is what psychologists call cognitive dissonance.

It’s the gnawing discomfort of knowing better but not doing better.

You might consciously know alcohol makes you tired, irritable, and disconnected. But your unconscious associates it with winding down, being social, or just “being you.”
So the elephant wins.

Not because you’re weak or broken.
But because your inner systems are out of sync.

🧭 The Path Forward: Training the Elephant

Real, lasting change doesn’t happen by yelling louder at the Elephant.

It happens when your monkey learns to communicate with the elephant in a language it understands.

Once you’re clear on what it is you want, and this is a conscious and accepted goal, you can begin the process of synchronising your systems. Remembering this is a process, not a one and done.

That language your Elephant understands is:

• Clarity: Be specific. “Drink less” is vague. “Wake up clear-headed to walk my dog at 7am” is actionable. The elephant must have clear, positive direction.
• Repetition & Reward: Practice new behaviours slowly and often, and reward each success (give the Elephant a banana).
• Emotion: Link the new path to a deep emotional reason. The elephant wants safety and familiarity, so keep reassuring it that the new path is safe.
• Imagery: Paint vivid, positive pictures of what you want (not just what you want to avoid). If the monkey and elephant share a vision, they will start to collaborate together to follow the path toward it.

You simply can’t bully the elephant into submission.
You must build trust with it slowly, and over time.

Once your monkey understands why the Elephant is so seemingly stubborn, it will realise that berating and criticising will simply not work.

Instead you give it a new positive and exciting direction—one kind, small, consistent step at a time.

💡 Why This Model Changes Everything

When you understand the monkey and elephant, you can stop blaming yourself for where you are now, and take full responsibility for what you will do moving forward with this knowledge,

You can stop seeing your struggle as a lack of willpower and start seeing it as a misalignment between your conscious intention and unconscious programming.

You realize:

• You're not a failure. You're just human.
• You don’t need more shame. You need more understanding.
• You need to give your Elephant clear positive instruction, and small achievable steps in the right direction
• The monkey voice in your head isn’t the whole story. It’s just one part.

And slowly, with curiosity and patience, your monkey gets calmer, quieter and more strategic in it’s approach.

It becomes less frantic and more focused.

And eventually, the elephant will start to listen.

As this synchronicity evolves, you begin to move—not through force, but in flow.

🚶🏼‍♀️One Step At a Time

This isn’t about overnight transformation. It’s about building an internal alliance—a relationship between your conscious and unconscious mind.

The next time you find yourself saying, “Why did I do that again?”
Pause.
Don’t yell at the monkey.
Don’t beat up the elephant.

Instead, get curious.
Ask:

• “What did I really need in that moment?”
• “What was I trying to avoid or soothe?”
• “What’s a new path I can gently explore instead?”

One conscious step.
One emotional shift.
One clear, repeatable path.

New rewards

New familiarity

New behaviour.

That’s how change works.
Not through willpower. But through patience, understanding and wisdom.