The Shame Spiral: Why High-Functioning Drinkers Struggle Silently with Alcohol

From the outside, it looked like I had it all together. But behind closed doors, I was pouring another glass of wine and wondering, “Why can’t I stop?”

I’d decide to just have one (large) glass, and before I knew it, was pouring the third. Of course, I made sure I left a small amount in the bottom, so I didn’t consume the whole bottle.

In my early 40s, my drinking escalated, as I dealt with sick, aging parents, young kids, and work. My days were long and stressful, and my relaxation was dependent on this evening ritual. It didn’t occur to me for a long time that I was addicted—it was just what I did.

I’d have a big weekend and wake on Monday feeling anxious and even depressed. I’d promise myself I wouldn’t drink that week, and I’d be great—until Thursday night, when the excuses started and the justifications for it being nearly Friday became too hard to ignore.

Monday would roll around again, along with the promises, followed by the excuses.

I have never identified as an alcoholic. And I don’t believe in the word, because unlike diabetes or high blood pressure, for example, there’s no test, no formal diagnosis. To my mind, it is an unnecessary psychological barrier to entry for those who struggle but can’t stomach the idea of taking on the label that has historically separated the alcoholic from the ‘responsible’ drinker.

Thankfully, we now have a better, more apt term: the Grey Area Drinker.

At my worst, I wasn’t drinking in the morning (unless I was on a 24-hour flight). I wasn’t missing work. I still exercised and performed all my responsibilities. I was just quietly unravelling by 6 p.m. every night.

What I now understand is this: high-functioning professionals often suffer in silence because we are masters of holding it together in public and for others. The shame isn’t just about drinking—it’s about not being able to fix it ourselves.

This is the hidden cost of success that I see daily in my work. You can lead a team, hit your goals, show up for everyone else… and still feel like a fraud because you can’t get this one thing under control.

This was how I felt—daily disappointment in myself.

Alcohol was my shortcut to silence this inner critic. But it was also the thing amplifying that voice every morning after.

The loop looked like this:

Wake up → Promise to be better → Pour a glass by 6 → Regret by 10 → Repeat.

Breaking free from this cycle didn’t start with willpower. It started with honesty. Then came science, support, and a complete reframe.

If this is the one area of your life that feels misaligned, you’re not alone—I work with people every day who found themselves stuck in this cycle.

And you don’t have to label yourself anything.

Action Steps to Break the Shame Loop

Even small steps can start to unravel a big cycle. Here’s what I recommend:

Name the Pattern Without Judgment

Grab a notebook or your phone and finish this sentence:
👉 “The moment I feel most out of alignment with myself is…”
This builds awareness—the first step toward real change.

Track the Internal Tug-of-War

Tonight, just notice your self-talk from 5–9 p.m.
Are you negotiating? Justifying? Making rules?
You don’t need to change it yet—just become the observer instead of the participant.

Interrupt the Loop Physically

When the urge hits, move your body.
Try a 3-minute walk, a cold splash to the face, or stretch your arms above your head and breathe deep.
This rewires your nervous system in real time and shifts the energy.

Reinforce Self-Trust With One Win

Choose one alcohol-free night this week and reward it.
Not with pressure, but with pleasure.
A bath, a book, a solo dance party, a mocktail in a wine glass—whatever makes you feel proud, peaceful, and powerful.

Say This Out Loud:

“I am allowed to ask for support before things fall apart. I don’t need a rock bottom to rise.”
Repeat it when the inner judgement creeps in.

To Your Success,
Sarah Connelly