Guilt and shame kept me stuck in a cycle of on and off drinking for years. I believed I should be able to control it. I thought I was the problem.
This is one of the greatest obstacles for people who want to change their drinking. The belief that they are somehow a bad or weak person. Add to that the fear of letting go of the one thing that reliably takes the edge off uncomfortable feelings, and it is not surprising how long it can take to finally commit to change.
When people feel bad about themselves it is genuinely very hard to change.
Where the Shame Comes From
In my experience the root of this shame usually comes down to unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Expectations based on false ideas of how we should be, how strong we should be, how much we should be able to handle.
Every day I meet strong, resilient, intelligent people who have fallen into the trap of depending on alcohol. Whether to manage the daily stresses of life or as a tool to feel more comfortable socially, almost all of them have absorbed messages that make them feel bad about themselves. They struggle with shame, believing they are fundamentally flawed. And when shame takes over, the habit of numbing uncomfortable feelings is very hard to break.
It seems so difficult for us to accept the simple truth. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with a fallible human being who, through a combination of contributing factors, becomes dependent on a highly addictive substance that is readily available, heavily glamourised, and makes them feel immediately better. Why do we believe this to be a personal failing?
The most important and honest messages about alcohol are the ones that are never advertised. We are all vulnerable in different ways, and industries profit from those vulnerabilities by selling us addictive things. We are sold a solution to our problems and then made to feel that if we cannot handle that solution it is our fault. When we are told to drink responsibly while simultaneously being marketed alcohol at every turn, it reinforces the idea that something must be deeply wrong with us. Enter shame.
Addiction Is Part of the Human Experience
It is highly likely that most people in the western world have become dependent on something at some point, whether that is alcohol, food, work, shopping, or something else entirely. Is it not reasonable to suggest that addictive behaviour is simply part of the human condition? And that what we become addicted to is less a matter of character and more the result of a combination of factors, our unique biology, our experiences, our genes, our environment, our childhood, our peer group, and how we were taught to see the world?
If you had grown up in a culture where alcohol was forbidden you would never have become dependent on it. The substance would not have been available to fill that role.
So how can any of this be packaged neatly under the label of bad or weak?
Understanding why quitting alcohol feels so hard in the first days can help shift some of this shame into genuine understanding of what is actually happening.
The Shame Cycle
When we decide something is fundamentally wrong with us we feel shame. Shame makes us feel isolated, helpless, and like a victim of our own nature. And when we feel bad about ourselves, we crave the very thing that got us here in the first place.
It is a cycle that feeds itself.
The people I know who successfully change their relationship with alcohol, myself included, refuse to let shame drive the process. They stop striving for perfection. They stop measuring themselves against some impossible standard. They arrive at a realistic and honest acceptance that they are where they are because of a combination of factors, some of which they had no control over at all.
This, combined with a genuine willingness to take responsibility for the action required to change, leads not just to freedom from alcohol but to a deeper self-acceptance and compassion that affects every area of life.
They accept the challenge and commit to doing their best. That is all. Not being perfect. Doing their best.
There Is No Shame in Being Human
If you met someone who said honestly that they were doing their best, that they knew they were flawed, and that they worked every day to live more in line with their values, would you tell them to be ashamed?
And yet if you are trying to change a part of yourself that has become dependent on alcohol, that is exactly what you are doing. You are doing your best.
When shame arises, whether after a slip or while sitting with the weight of past choices, try to remember this. There is no shame in being human. Giving yourself the grace to be human is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. But it is the only place from which real strength and lasting change can actually grow.
No matter where you are in your journey with alcohol, the fact that you are reading this and trying to understand means you are already someone who is working to grow. There is nothing shameful in that. There is nothing wrong with you.
You do not have to navigate this alone. If you are ready to take a step forward, find out more about the support available through one to one coaching and take that first conversation at your own pace.
