All or Nothing?

All Or Nothing? 

On Saturday morning, I headed down to my local coffee shop, salivating at the idea of the cinnamon scroll I indulge in from time to time (yes, I had a craving). While I was waiting, there was a tap on my shoulder. I had to do a second take; it was an old friend I hadn't seen for a while. I barely recognised him.  His physique was optimal, eyes crystal clear, but more than anything, it was his energy – vibrating so much so that I could feel it. 

Two years ago, this was a man who drank a lot, smoked here and there, and indulged in the odd ‘party’ drug.  An investor for high-net worth individuals, he was somewhat overweight, and was the classic work hard, play hard.  He was a self-described ‘All or nothing’, type A, high achiever. 

Back in 2023, he decided to experiment with dropping the drink. We would chat from time to time, he joined my online group for a while, and he quit for about a year. He reported feeling incredible, inspired by life again, he’d taken up spear fishing and deep sea diving.   

Then one day he called me to share that he felt ready to have the odd drink, just a beer with the guys, or a wine with dinner. He’d done so well, and he now felt like he was back in control. 

This is the experience of almost everyone I’ve worked with who goes it alone. 

I wished I could tell him that I believed him, but I couldn’t honestly tell him I didn’t. So, I simply shared the facts and the reality of the ‘Third Door’. 

As we ended the call, I said, ‘ I hope you can find it, I don’t know if you can, but if you do, please let me know’. 

He didn’t end up looking for it. 

Yesterday he told me he was "content, aligned, and consistent". He is enthusiastic about his life, but not frantic. He is measured in his approach at work and at home, and realistic about his goals. He shared that it wasn’t easy, but that the old life was much harder. Furthermore, he now has absolute clarity about his relationship with alcohol.   

As a result of his choices, and his ‘show don’t tell’ approach to the changes he has made, a family member is now working on changing her relationship to alcohol. And a fellow spear fisherman has quit drinking for 3 months, telling him he cannot believe the difference it has made to his health. 

I also used to think I was an ‘all or nothing’ person.  That I did it all, or I did nothing. It came with a perfectionist mindset, why do something if you can’t excel? And both my friend and I certainly excelled at drinking. But all or nothing is a label that is often not true or helpful, it can be scary and confusing in this journey. 

Binge drinkers are a good example. They can abstain during the week but find themselves over-compensating come Thursday/Friday and into the weekend. 

The result.  A week of fog, regret, and white-knuckling. Hours of valuable brain space spent on internal negotiations and leafing through a library of justifications. And then it’s Thursday again, maybe even Wednesday – and you’re so exhausted by it all, you need a drink! Not to mention the withdrawal that leaves you feeling like a drink is the only way to feel better. 

Sadly, this all-or-nothing cycle can become a daily battle. The drink starts to beckon on Monday after a stressful day, and the time you can abstain gets shorter and shorter.

This is not control or moderation, this  is pain. All in on weekends, and trying to be all out during the week. 

And it’s not a weakness. Alcohol is an addictive drug. The more you drink, the more you want to drink. 

Usually when I write these emails, I have a clear outcome, or message for you my dear readers, but today I am not sure exactly what it is. It’s just that I remember SO clearly being in this battle, and it saddens me to know that so many others are still in it like I was.  Fearful, attached, seduced by all the perceived benefits, stuck with all the negative consequences. 

But let’s go back to my friend. He was there too. And now he isn’t. His life isn’t perfect, he still has problems. But he’s vibrant, healthy, content and congruent. So much better equipped to deal with life. Excited for what the next 30-40 years holds (he’s mid 40’s).  He did it.  You can too. 

How?  Slowly, steadily, intelligently – with the right support and a mindset of curiosity. Without labels of ‘all or nothing’ or ‘alcoholic’ or ‘I’m different’  -– that is how you end up escaping the cycle, as you discover that real relief, relaxation and reward, lie on the other side of drinking. 

With love,

Sarah Connelly